Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Why are you adopting?

Why are you adopting?

We have gotten that question several times in the last 3 or 4 months. We have heard it from our social worker conducting our home study, we have heard it from friends, coworkers, strangers...why are you adopting when it is obvious you can have your own biological children?

Well, I didnt know it was a rule that you couldnt adopt because you can procreate your own children. I could grow my fruits and veggies too.

I guess it was a shock for a lot of people that are close to us, friends and family and such, because we had never talked with them about adoption. And I guess to those family and friends it seemed much like we had lost our mind and we were jumping into the deep end of the pool that had been cemented over last winter.

Our decision to adopt came about 2 to 2.5 years ago. So, if you do the math, you will see that was shortly after the birth of our first born, Kai. We had Kai and were christened into the world of Down syndrome. It was a scary place at first, full of unknowns and what ifs and it felt like a journey we were on all on our own. I mean its not like our Big Splash into Parenthood was all bells and whistles, balloons and confetti...dont get me wrong, it was a wonderful day, a day we celebrated, but it was full of trepidation. Will he breath OK? Will he eat? Will he go to level 2 or level 3? How bad is his heart? How long will he have to stay in the hospital? I was terrified to have him, only because I knew he was safe and sound inside of me and I had no idea what the future held for my son when he entered this world.

Well, didnt he surprise us all? Came out screaming with his strawberry blonde hair glowing against his angry red skin...he was absolutely beautiful. Absolutely healthy. Absolutely everything we could have wished for. Things went fairly typical or normal for what you would expect with a newborn. We did have that slight hiccup of his 9 hour open heart surgery at 10 weeks old, but all in all, a total of 12 days pre and post op, wasnt too shabby for our little man.

Then the milestones starting coming. Slow but sure. And we were so so so proud of each and every one of them. Our journey into the world of Down syndrome wasnt so bad and scary after all, it was actually pretty awesome. Along the way, I had begun to hear of a website called Reece's Rainbow. Reece's Rainbow is a place where you go and you can find pages and pages of babies and toddlers and even bigger kids that are for adoption, from over in Eastern Europe and China. Reece's Rainbow had started with only children that had Down syndrome but has since spread its rainbow to encompass all sorts of children: children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, HIV+ children, CP, and every other conceivable anomaly you might think of.

So, I heard of this site. I ventured to it. Only once. What I saw broke my heart. So many babies. So many children. I talked to Cam later that night about all I had seen. We talked for a long while. We decided that one day we would adopt a child from Reece's Rainbow, one who had Down syndrome. But until we were ready to do so, I would not be going back to website.

Of course we planned and figured it would be much much further down the road than NOW...but like much of life, you dont always get what you plan for. The night I received and opened the email from my nettie BFF, Christie, was the night that was meant for us to begin the adoption process. Just like we didnt choose for Kai to have Down syndrome or Lilah to have a Diva disposition, we didnt choose Peter. Peter chose us. He has been waiting for us for 4 long years. Waiting patiently and without complaint. As soon as I laid eyes on his beautiful face, I knew he was our son.

So now you know they why and the when, but maybe you are questioning the How? As in HOW we are going about this adoption process. Maybe you have seen the fundraisers and the posts asking for donations. And you are asking yourselves, if you cannot afford to adopt this boy, then why do you expect strangers to foot the bill? Look, before I got enmeshed into the world of adoption, specifically International Adoptions, I would see the endless posts and not even really know what people were posting about and why they wanted money. Let me break it down. Every child on Reece's Rainbow has an Adoption Grant. Their grant starts at ZERO. People, many people, I have come to learn, fundraise for these children. And these are not people that are even looking to adopt these children, they are just trying to help out families. Most of the children they are fundraising for do not even have families yet. But by filling a child's grant, it makes the reality of their adoption more feasible for a family. They tell you that you dont have to be rich to adopt, and you dont...after you get passed the initial $24,000 out of pocket.

You will be pretty hard pressed to find many, if any, families in these economic times that have 24K sitting around just waiting for an adoption. And families or people that do have that kind of money, I dont think are lining the cyber hallways of Reece's to adopt 'disabled' children from across the world. Maybe that is me making a stereotype...gasp...that I should stoop to do that, but there it is.

Yes, we could save up the funds and then pursue our adoption. We very well could do that. But, between the ages of 4-5, these children in these faraway lands, are sent to adult mental you see, we dont really have that kind of time. I guess had we approached this adoption like we intended, sometime down the road, maybe with the money in hand, and then scoured Reece's Rainbow for our child then we wouldnt have to fundraise. We also wouldnt have Peter. Peter would be long gone by then, and not to some other family's home. Peter would have been one of the lost. Our time to adopt is now. We are fortunate that we had one of those fabulous women/mommies fundraise for Peter just as we found him. That wonderful woman raised $15,347 for Peter in 10 days. She simply has the Midas touch and I would be foolish to think I could raise money like her, but Im doing my best.

And in our fundraising effort, we are also achieving something else...something that is one of my all time favorite things to do. We are spreading awareness for Down syndrome. Maybe not in my typical fashion of helping new mommies and daddies, or the Buddy Walk or the countless other things we do to raise awareness...but we are spreading a special type of awareness. Awareness of something I didnt even know existed. I had no idea that hundreds upon hundreds of these children were tossed aside every single year in these faraway lands because their society deems them unacceptable. Just tossed into these overrun orphanages, or baby houses, some better than others, but all kept very secretive, so you really have no idea what the conditions are where your child is, and may never know.

And from that I get the questions, why are you adopting from over there? Why arent you adopting from here? Well folks, Id love to, but the truth of the matter is there is a 3 year waiting list here in the US to adopt a child with DS. And in my eyes, a child is a child, whether they were born here or halfway across the world. An unwanted child should have no eye of prejudice turned towards him from where he came, he certainly did not choose his parents or to be born in a country where he will be locked away for the rest of his life like he was some criminal. Who cares where my son comes from?

And what they do over there with those children is really terrible. And as Americans we will judge. We would never do that. Nope, not us. For the most part when a family is blessed with one of these surprise bundles of joy, they put on their big girl panties and trudge forward, and then they slowly realize the joy and pure luck of having a child with Down syndrome.

Nope. We dont toss them away here. No, instead we have tests. Lots and lots of tests. Not everyone has them, mind you, hence the surprise bundles of joy mentioned above. I had them. I cant even tell you why I had them. Just because I assumed thats what you did when you were pregnant. I had those tests. Those tests told me that my baby had a 1:5 chance of having Down syndrome and 1:68 chance of having Trisomy 18. But those are just odds and chances. So, we took it one step further, we needed to know. So 9 days later we knew. We knew we were having a boy. And we knew that boy would have Down syndrome. So our plans for our child took a 180 and right then and there started the specialist appointments and research on the internet and finding support groups. How many babies do you know that have a cardiologist before they are born??

But, we are a minority. In fact, I have a number for what we are. We are 1 in 10. I know, lots of numbers. Think of how we felt. 1 in this and 1 in that. I was so sick of numbers by the time he got here. But I think that 1 in 10 is very important. Sounds like a low number, doesnt it? It is a sadly low number. 10%.

Out of every 10 prenatal diagnoses, meaning the parents knew their unborn child had Down syndrome, 9 of them terminate their pregnancies and ONE will keep that baby. 90% terminate. 10% continue with the knowledge that their child will have Down syndrome. So no, we do not throw our children away in orphanages here in the US.

What does that make me? A martyr? No. It makes me a person who goes and does differently what most of society would do...and if you  have known me for any length of time, you know thats just what I do. I just see and do things differently, or a better way to explain it, I do things as I see fit, as I deem right and often times that isnt what the rest of the world is doing.

So, before we get all high and mighty and disgusted with what people are doing half a world away, lets not forget what is happening in our own backyards. I advocate for ALL children with Down syndrome, no matter how they got here or where they are. They all deserve a loving home. They all deserve a light upon them, whether they are in the here and now, or merely what couldve been. And just think of that 3 year waiting list here in America of people waiting to adopt a child with Down syndrome and those 90% that are terminated. Seems kind of obvious doesnt it?

Im not here to tout pro choice or pro life, Im just stating the facts as they are. People dont like to hear the facts, especially if they arent pretty, and thats ok. In my lifetime, if I only change one person's mind, save one child, then I have done my job. I have accomplished what I have set out to do. It all has a snowballing effect and it only takes one snowball.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

2nd Week of Laptop Giveaway!

First, Thank You ALL who have donated to Peter's grant to help bring him home!

We have raised $944!!! In ONE WEEK!! Thank you!

The giveaway isnt over yet. It will continue until July 5th, so please keep raising awareness by donating and reposting this and dont forget to mention that $10 gets you a chance at a Dell laptop, and every $10 off of that gets you another chance.

Here is the link to the specifics:

Thank you all for making this a success and helping get our son home!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Day 2 of Our Laptop Giveaway for Peter!

We are hosting a fantastic fundraiser to bring Peter home!! All the details are on our Adoption Blog. You can either click on the link at the top of the blog or this link:

Thank You!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Dell Laptop Giveaway for Peter!

We are hosting a fantastic fundraiser to bring Peter home!! All the details are on our Adoption Blog. You can either click on the link at the top of the blog or this link:

Thank you!!

Just Pictures

Just goofing around with my new computer trying to get my pics onto it!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Ugly Truth

Today is a day I have many words for, but none of them could ever convey the magnitude of pain and anger I felt and am still feeling. My whole body was shaking. Tears were falling down my face as I furiously typed back a response to no one and everyone.

Something inside of me was shattered today. It was the Illusion that my son will fit in, the Illusion that he will be welcomed into a regular classroom, the Illusion that children will pick on him. Turns out its not the children I have to worry about. But when a child does pick on him, I now know where it was instilled in them that it is acceptable to treat him as someone who deserves less than them because he is different. It starts with their self-righteous parents.

Today I learned that a fellow parent feels her child should not have to be in a class with students who have IEPs. For those of you that dont have Special Needs children, a child with an IEP has some type of learning disability, it is their goals for the year. It was stated that its not right that their child, who is already of above average intelligence for the grade they will be entering, should have to be in a class with kids like that. Kids like Kai. Their son is there to learn and get and education and it isnt fair that he will be teaching my son instead of getting his own well deserved public education. This is about Inclusion...Ironically Inclusion seems to bring about feelings of Exclusion, which is more preferred. It was stated that instead of children like my son being put into her sons classroom, her son and all the other above average children should be put in an enrichment program. So they should get more, because they are smarter and have to deal with our S.L.O.W. kids. Perhaps she should get some of her own enrichment.

This above synopsis was from the fingertips of a friend. Someone who staunchly supports Kai and DS and proclaims that knowing him and me has changed their views on people with Down syndrome. Apparently I am doing something wrong, because that is NOT the view I was going for.

I responded to the statement, even though it wasnt written directly to me, it literally had Kai's name all over it. I will just C&P my response. It was written with passion, rage and hurt, a lot of hurt. It came from the shattered heart of a mother who really believed her son would really be accepted by his peers.

Us moms with kids who have Down syndrome are often accused of wearing Rose Colored mine fell off...

My Response:

So they make the 11 smart kids teach the class? Wow, that is kind of unfair. If he reads at mid first grade level then maybe the school should move him to mid first grade because it seems that even if the other 70 weren't below average, he would still fall at the high end of the bell curve since he is beyond the curriculum for that grade level. I was always at the top of my class and I don't recall ever having to teach another student. But I went to school in a time when 'those' kind of kids were secluded from our classes so I guess I don't know the burden of having to have people who were slow or with disabilities sitting next to me, taking away from my education, especially since my education was far more important because I had potential to go to college and have a career and they will probably never be contributing members of society. Maybe you could ask the school to put those 70 students on the Short Bus and send them to a vocational school so they can learn to push grocery carts or bag groceries. And by imposing these different standards on them at an early age they can learn they are inferior and different from others, and they can learn to mask their shame early on, thicken their skin for the real world.

I'm terribly sorry that children like my son encroach on your child's free education because he finally gets a shot at having the same free education. Do the skinny kids get less food at lunch because the obese ones get larger servings?

I'm glad I can find out these kind of things from my 'friends' before we get into the real world. Because if this is how people feel who my son has supposedly made an impact on, then I know in advance to expect nothing from the sea of strangers who don't know him or care to know him. It's also good to know that he has changed how you think/feel about someone like him and opened your eyes to be more accepting as long as it's done from afar and not something you actually have to stand behind because god forbid your child has to sit next to mine and learn so easily and mine will come home and practice that assignment all night and the next and the next until he can finally understand it...

It's funny because since I've had Kai, it's always my 'friends' I catch these glimmers of what people really think. I always assumed it would be the cruelness of strangers I'd have to protect him from, but time and time again my friends and family are the ones. I guess strangers actually have the decency to keep their feelings to themselves. But I know if the people who 'care' about my son say those things, then the others feel the same way.

So thank you. You have saved me from an illusion I would have walked into his school with in November. Inclusion in school is a law, and at the end of the day, that's all it really is...there is no meaning behind it. It's just tolerated because it keeps us parents quiet.

I can also tell you I am shaking as I type all this. I cried through some of it. To you he is nothing more than a burden taking away from your normal child, but he is my child. He is a little boy who laughs and cries. It's too bad you will never see him as that. Maybe I shouldn't have put this all out here, but I'm not going to stand by and be quiet for the sake of not rocking the boat.

I'm done talking and sorely disappointed. I want to puke. I'm signing off for now. I've got to go teach my son how to eat fucking table food or they'll have your kid doing that too.

Today didnt feel Upside Down, it felt Inside Out...with my tattered Mommy flag barely clinging to its pole of raw emotions, left for all to see.

Today I cried. Today I was pissed. Today I saw the Ugly Truth. Today I became an Advocate.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will teach him.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Changes are a comin'

Hi all

Just wanted to drop in and give a little ketchup!

We(and by we, envision me twisting Daddy's arm up and behind his back)have decided to put Kai in Mother's Day Out. Now I know this sounds silly since one of us is always home with the kids, and maybe even cruel to ship our child off to 'day care' when we are home and able to entertain him/them.
After much debate on whether we should try private Speech therapy or not, someone suggested to me that we put him in day care part time for socialization skills and it might just help with his Speech. I thought that was a fine idea and set out looking for the perfect place.
I looked high and low and juggled prices and times, etc and decided that Mother's Day Out would be the best.
A couple of reasons: A) Its Mon-Wed-Fri from 830-1130am, its only $152 a month(instead of a week like most daycares, whether they go full time or part time), and sick kids arent allowed. I like the last one the best. Now before you go and tell me that people still bring their sick kids, yadda yadda, Im aware of that, but because its Mother's Day Out and not utilized so much for parents that are working as it is for parent's that just need to go grocery shopping or, oh I dont know, take a shower uninterupted and maybe shave a leg or the likelyhood of sneaking a sick kid in should be less.
I think it will be a good 15 hours and a well spent $150/month for our son. I think it will do good for him to play with other children and play with toys instead of tossing them all over the place. Its just good for him to be with his peers. I think and hope it will also have an effect on his speech as well. Its also a good segue into PreSchool that he will be starting in November.

That will also free up some one on one time for Lilah and I. According to the 'pediatrician' (one who was filling in for one of ours)Lilah is behind in her speech and when we go back in July for her 15 month check up, we will revisit that problem if it still exists. I think she needs to shove a sock in it. She babbles and screeches and likes to read books with mommy. Im sure as heck not going to worry if at 15 mos she doesnt say 'Mother Dear, Id like to have my chocolate milk now.' Pshaw. Now, had I brought her in and been fretting about delayed speech at 13 months of age, I would have been Tsk'd Tsk'd. Either way, Im not going to worry.

We have a few other exciting things going on in our lives right now too, but I have decided to wait until those things are full in motion before mentioning them aloud.

Hope everyone has a great day :)